This new year, I had an opportunity to be in the company of great friends and … epic cheaters. I understand that everyone says out with the old and in with the new, but how can you push out the old when she is standing two feet from you?
For the first time in a long time, I decided to have one of those “Hollywood NYE’s” and my observation: men want a new girl for NYE. The first guy that I noticed this behavior with was Larry Dance Maniac. This Larry spent the entire night dancing and flirting with most of the ladies in the location, at 11:50 p.m., he asks me, “do you think I should go over there and kiss my date at midnight?” Wait. You are here with someone. I said,"I don’t know. Should you?” He says, “I’d rather kiss you.” I laugh. At this point I turn to look at the date and there she sat, looking silly in her shiny gold dress and looking displeased but doing nothing, probably wondering about the midnight kiss.
The second guy I was in conversation with for about 15 minutes while getting drinks at the bar before he said, “Too bad I’m here with my gf of two years that I live with, had I only met you in Trader Joes?” So Trader Joes makes it better? Does Trader Joes absolve cheaters of their sins? I walk away from Trader Joes Larry and continue on, noticing all the wandering eyes from guys there in their “coupled Doom bliss.” An hour later Trader Joes Larry returns and says, “at least our union would be based on pure desire and not just insecurity.” I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck that means. "OK", I said. Next, he pulls out his phone and hands it to me, discreetly implying punch in your number. Now, I wish I could tell you, I was self righteous and told him to F off, but about 6 Chivas in, and cute as he was, I gave him the number and decided why not, I’m not cheating on anyone.
The third identified cheater was discovered by my friend, she spoke to him for about 30 mins before he alerted her he too was a cheater on the prowl with his girlfriend lurking somewhere in the background. They also exchanged numbers. I haven’t a clue when men became so bold, but things are bad. I didn’t think there was much more alcohol in the room than one would find at a typical bar, yet all the coupled men seem to be in heat and dying to break free. Guys who took dates realized they made radical mistakes and instead of living with it, decided to play the field nonetheless.
I have vowed if ever I have a man and I take him out with me on NYE, I’m putting him on a short leash and forcing him to wear a leather thong. I'm also bringing a taser gun for all the lonely, thirsty bitches that come out to indulge in his cheating ways with the intention of stealing more than a kiss when the clock strikes midnight.