4 Feet? Armless? Stamp My Forehead and Sign Me Up!

It’s hockey season again and my company had a suite at Staple Center to spoil us with drinks, drinks and more drinks! My co-worker PIC (partner in crime) had hesitated on attending, but decided “what the hell, we don’t see the people we slave away with each day enough, so let’s spend our Thursday night with them too.”

So, PIC and I closed down the fort, after taking shots of patron with the bar staff, and decided to cross over to the Yard House at LA Live. The place was packed with hockey fans and not a seat was open for us to post up. We walked around the bar once and as were about to turn the corner, a guy spoke up and said “you can take this seat.”

In our drunken state, it was a sigh of relief. But… then it is also when things took a turn for the worst!!!

The group of guys was standing around us and had asked if we went to the hockey game. We said “yes, that is where we just came from” and they continued to tell us how they got kicked out by security because some guy was harassing their friend and they decided to yell back. They lost the battle and the security was a bit uncomfortable escorting them out because the “friend” had no arms and was about 4 feet tall. Lucky me - that’s who I was sitting next to and was fully equipped with “googly eyes.”

Out of the kindness of my heart, I engage in conversation until Armless Larry challenges “the best” nomination of my favorite Italian restaurant, claiming his was much better. Little did I know, this was his ploy to ask me out. I like to debate, but I fell into the bunker of awkwardness. He asked for my number and I hesitated, but knew he was the type that would call me and say “cool, I’ll call you so you have mine.” This was accurate. I can sniff those types out from a mile away.

All I had flashing in my mind was "how exciting would foreplay be?"

As if getting hit on by a 4 foot, armless man wasn’t bad enough; we then had some hillbilly from Kentucky sniffing our asses out. That part of the story is to be continued…

I don’t mean to an asshole to men with challenges, but I full-heartedly give them props for trying.

Sextcapades

On Sunday I had my first taste of sexting. For those unfamiliar with the terminology, sexting is essentially phone sex, but via text. The fact that it is less personal I assume makes almost anyone a sext offender and I presume it raises the level of “naughtiness.” The fact I even engaged in the act, makes me think there are people who would say no to phone sex, like me, yet somehow find themselves hot and heavy in sext. Let’s face it, unless you are extremely sexually charged and words like "thrust" and "cum for me baby" just pop into your head, you might suck at phone sex. Plus, there are certain things that you just wouldn’t say on the phone. Thanks to text though, we are all somehow empowered to embrace the Zhane in us and boy did I ever. 

A little background on my sext lover. I met sext Larry approximately 6 months ago and we have dated on and off, mostly off, since. When we first met I discarded him on our second date after learning he smoked pot nightly to “relax.” We got into a heated debate about how I needed to loosen up, to which I responded, if not dating pot head lawyers makes me conservative and uptight, then stick a stick up my butt. After a two month hiatus he text me to say he had taken what I said into consideration and was cutting back. We ended hanging out and have been dating inconsistently, ever since. 

Push forward to a week ago I bump into him at a party and the sparks resurface. The end of the night he texts me to “cuddle,” I politely decline stating, we aren’t there. I’m not sure when the request to cuddle became the accepted disguise for “can I come over” and get-in-your-bed-sex-mating-call, but it’s getting absolutely ridiculous. The next day I text him to see if he would indulge me in a day date with no possibility of cuddling and he agreed. During the date sext Larry mentioned to me that he felt like he had been waiting quite sometime to have sex with me. I was shocked. I said, "I understand I’ve know you for over 6 months, but we have only been on a few dates and zero real communication in between." Larry said, that it still counted as “time earned.”  WOW. What is going on in the world? How can i be holding the pussy hostage without even realizing it? Hilarious.

The date went OK and I declined Larry’s offer to “come up” and went home. Once home the following ensued:

Sext Larry: I’m thinking about all the things I want to do to you.

Me: Really…

Sext Larry: Yes, I would like you to lay back while I make you so nice and wet while I play with you and kiss you all over.

Me: *moans*

Sext Larry: Just think when I slide my fingers inside you and bite your neck.

Me: Oh wow.

Sext Larry: I plan to taste you and bury myself between your thighs.

Me: *feels amazing*

Sext Larry: Next I’m going to climb back on top of you and pull your hair back and lift one leg over my shoulder while I slide inside you.

Me: I just came.

Sext Larry: What! I’m just getting started…

LOL…this happened! 

Apple Bobbing No More - My Halloween Adventure

I Can Be the Dirtiest of Whores. Okay, not as dirty as my ex-friend we'll always and kindly refer to as Herpes (a story in itself!) but I can be pretty dirty.

Recently, it was Halloween. What did the rest of you get up to? Fortunately, I'm still single so I'm not tied down with G-rated activities like trick or treating and pumpkin carving.

I tend to get involved in activities like, er, apple bobbing ... Yeah, that's what we'll "call it."

I went with some of my fave friends to a Halloween costume party at a local bar. Their parties are always off the hook since the bartenders and servers dress all out and all their customers from over the years pile into their relatively small venue for one packed, awesome party!

I was a French Maid, but fondly referred to myself as a chamber maid instead. I arrived to the bar drunk already and proceeded to drink my own bottle of red wine. Since I wasn't driving--game on!

At one point, my friend and I used the restroom. We of course went into the empty men's room instead of waiting in the long-ass women's line. Once we finished up and returned to our spot near the bar, I realized I forgot my costume's greatest accessory, the feather duster, in the men's room. My friend advised me to go look there and off I drunkenly went!

...Fast forward 15-20 minutes and I returned to my friend and exclaimed: "I went to look for my feather duster but found a random guy's dick in my mouth instead!"

WOAH! WTF just happened?

Yep. That's right.

Needless to say, I was a hot mess and already have my New Year's resolution in mind for the coming year -- no apple bobbing with strangers in public restrooms.

The End.

Hey you, with the boyfriend, stop hogging the single guy

This week I’m going to divert the attention from my morbid love life for a second to address an issue that I see on the rise, coupled girls seeking male attention. I currently have some friends in "committed” relationships that are secretly looking to be “rescued” from their runner up romance. Why stay committed if you are not happy? And while you, miss, coupled up, attempts to gain the attention of the single guy, what are the single girls to do? L.A. is daunting enough a space to date, without worrying about a group of girls with boyfriends all in my sandbox. Get OUT! Shall I go hit on your unsuspecting boyfriend? If you aren’t happy in your relationship, you need to get out of it and join the single’s party. Playing both sides of the fence isn’t cute. Trying to get another to uproot you is not fair to the person you are dating, the guy that thinks you are available or the other single girls that are willing to ride the tide unlike you. End RANT. 

I know we are living in a time where it seems we can and should have it all, but let's get real, if you are tempted on daily basis, you are likely with the wrong person and should accept that and do something about it. Or heck, talk about having an open relationship, I recently had a guy tell me that the idea of marriage isn't attractive to him because he doesn't want someone in his "business" all the time, so he'd  rather an arrangement that affords him a lot of space. WTF.  Things are modern as they get nowadays and people are increasingly rejecting the status quo.  Carve out your relationship the way that works for you, crazy as it may seem to others. Grow some balls and be willing to go for what you really want.  

Please forward this to anyone you think is guilty of this behavior. 

Larry and a Funeral

The last two weeks have been very draining helping a relative with funeral arrangements.  Needless to say Larry's were not on the top of my list.

One of the errands that was handed to me was to drop off some items at the Funeral home. Uniform, shoes and photos in tow, I ventured off to meet the funeral director. Introductions were made and the transaction was very business like and somber. As I was looking through some of the photos, I felt tears started to well up. Mortuary Larry got up, walked over to me and handed me a box of tissues.

"Thank you", I said in between tears. A hand was gently placed on my shoulder for comfort.

"You must have been really close to him. I'm sorry for your loss."

I said yes and I spoke of my Uncle briefly. I thanked him and got up to leave.

"If there are  any questions, do I have your number to call?", Larry asked. I told him that he could call my cousin and he should have his number. "Oh, yes. I have it on file."

I shake Larry's hand, thank him again and start to leave. He quickly fishes a business card from his jacket hands it to me and says, " If there is anything I can do or if you have any questions please call me."

Ummmm.. Is this a pick up? Is nothing sacred? Sorry Larry, your line of business is just too creepy for me even though you're cute. I can't even imagine telling my friends how we met. Eeewww!

xxoo - The Juggler

Mr. I'm Busy

Recently, I have been getting my fair share of “unavailable” or as they call it “busy” men.  My most recent was hip hop Larry the financial advisor (Hip Hop Larry) Larry and I shared 5 wonderful dates together, but it took us 4 months to accomplish this even though Larry lives exactly 10 mins from me. Each date lasted no less than 9 hours, and each one better than the one before.   No matter how “perfect” the date however, he never followed up with calls or texts until another three weeks had gone by. I noticed the absurd behavior early on and made mention, to which I received nothing really substantial. The last story I got was actually quite funny.  Larry said, “imagine me as the Ryan Gosling character in the Notebook, I am at war building my company, and I will eventually build you a house and we can be together.” To this I replied, do you realize that she got married to another guy in the movie. Larry replies, “yes, but she always wanted her first love.” LOL. To this I said, well, sadly for you, I’m not out looking for a second husband, so this ends now. With that I told Larry I no longer wished to see him. 

It has been about 2 weeks since that.  In that period, he asked me out once and I declined.  Yesterday I received a phone call. What’s up Larry, I said, in my, “could careless voice.” I miss your face, smile, blah blah. To this I said, "OK." He then said, “when can I see you, I want to make you dinner, it will be great.” To this I replied, it’s always been great, but this every three week bullshit is a waste of my passion and my emotions and I refuse to participate. To this he said, well, you know I’m busy with the company, what if I commit to at least once a week. To this I said, that’s a good start, I’ll think about it and get back to you. It’s funny what happens when you are over it, completely. Why do men come back when it’s late and why do they want to be treated poorly before they respond appropriately? I currently have yet another busy Larry that I have on my plate, this one from the mid-west and his days are numbered, as once again, he is playing the I’m busy card. It appears you must either date a guy with nothing going on and ample time, or deal with the "I'm busy." There must be a middle ground. Doing an experiment on this new guy, plan to give him the same, make time or step aside line, will report on the findings. 

The Sanctity of Marriage - Destroyed By Reality TV?

I am a believer that everyone is to be treated equal. Man, Woman, Gay, Straight, Rich, Poor, Black, White, Yellow or Red.

The entire world is up in arms about Kim Kardashian’s divorce from the poor soul that was caught up in their latest scheme. I don’t think it should be the talk of every news station, but is this finally showing how Reality TV and Hollywood are jeopardizing the sanctity of marriage? Many believe, myself included, this was a hoax for a few more dollar bills, greed and ratings. Is that fair for others that are not allowed to marry or those that feel they need multiple wives in their home?

There are TV shows featuring them all!

There are a ton of matchmaking shows out there that teach heterosexual people HOW to date, HOW to act, HOW to be, but who says they are right?? I’ve watched these shows and I see these hopeless romantics walk away broken hearted, unsatisfied and STILL lonely. Their miserable dating lives are exposed to the nation without a dime in their pockets, only to be told “do not be yourself” by someone that claims they are an expert. Right. How will this allow you to meet and STAY with the one person that loves you for YOU!? How will a marriage work when you try to be someone that a TV host is telling you to be?

Why don’t we all just try to  find a foreign looker that is ready to throw down $50k to gain residency and three solid years getting to know the person?! Why is that illegal if Kim Kardashian can fake a marriage on national television for money!? Kim K... take notes... when you try to fool us all with your next marriage, make sure there is something of value for you both! Visa and an additional $50K to add to the bank!

xoxo Magnum Magnet