Happy Trails...

After 21 years of marriage and 2 beautiful kids, a very close friend of mine was told by her husband that he wanted a divorce. She had basically been the "good" wife catering to his needs , home and children while pursuing her own career. In the midst of being the perfect wife, mother, homemaker  she never found herself. During this nasty process, her days were filled with questions of self doubt and many tears:

What did I do wrong?    

Maybe if I....

Who's going to want me?

How am I going to survive without him?

What's wrong with me?

We all go through this whether it's a divorce or a long term relationship. We doubt ourselves and somehow blame US for the reason of the breakup. When it's simply the fact that one or both in the relationship stopped loving. I've learned that in any relationship, it takes both parties to work on keeping the love alive and it's not an easy task.  There are no "fairytale"  version .

During the process, she felt like she was in limbo waiting for the final papers to arrive.  I invited her to go on hikes with me to get her mind off the stress and be in a different environment. After a few months she noticed that she was loosing  some weight and started to feel good .... her self esteem was coming back.

On one of our recent hikes, we stopped to catch our breath and I noticed a good looking man walking up to our spot,  hoping  he would  take a breather too.  Hiker Larry introduced himself and joined us for the duration of the hike.  He said he has seen us  a few times and mentioned to my friend that hiking suits her because she looks great! He  wanted to approach us and introduce himself sooner but it seemed that we were too focused on our conversations.  I gave her the knowing look that Hiker Larry was clearly not into me but with HER!

As we headed back to our car,  she was beaming. A good looking man had paid attention to her and made her laugh.

 I said  "Don't surprised if  Hiker Larry joins us next week.  Are you OK with that?"

Her response,  "HELL YEAH!!!"

Thank You Hiker Larry!

xxoo- The Juggler

Talking with a Creeper on OK Cupid

As I mentioned in my last posted titled “Sake Bombs, Booty Calls and a Side of One-Night Stands. Where Does Online Dating Fit in?“ I signed up for OK Cupid in a drunk stupor and allowed a guy friend to fill out my profile with pure ridiculousness.

Since then I communicated with one guy back and forth for a week via messaging. He told me he lives in Marina Del Rey. Kinda far for a girl from the SGV.


Last Tuesday was the last time he messaged me. Why? Because he wanted to meet me THAT night. On top of that--drive all the way to him. Guess what? This girl is not available last minute dates with strangers. I’ve got a whole row of priorities that would happen before allowing that!


Secondly, he was inviting me for a drink on his boat in the marina. Granted, I love boats and being out on the water but when it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Plus,  I’m definitely not going to put myself in the predicament of becoming “fish food” at the hands of my first date with someone I’ve been online. (I’ve been threatened by a jealous wife on a yacht off the California coast once before and I pledged to never be almost-fish-food again. Crazy coke whore!)


Maybe not going on the date was a “missed opportunity” in the dating world, but in my eyes, I have smartened up over the past few years and have come to learn that when it feels bad -- it probably is bad. I listened to my intuition for once and for that I’m proud!



Goooo Meeee!

Honey Badger

Mr. I'm a "catch"

If you have been keeping up with my posts, you will recall that last week I spoke of having met, Latest Larry.  Well, we are now going to call him, “All about me Larry”.    Larry and I have now gone on two dates and both times, Larry spends the entire time speaking about himself and/or his business.   On the first date I let it slide, but by the second date I was just annoyed.  Having decided that this guy is no longer “dateable” I start quizzing him just to peel back yet another layer of the male psyche, what I found was quite telling.  I asked Larry, “what do you want from me”.  Larry says, “well, I’m conflicted, my penis wants sex, but my other side craves connection”.  I said, “which side do you want to listen to”.  Larry says, “I don’t really want a relationship, so I’d like listen to my penis”.  To this I say, interesting,  so you want to just have sex with me.  I’m not sure when these type of conversations became ok, but in L.a., I’ve learned not to be surprised and just take whatever comes.  In further discussion, I question, well, why you are not seeking a relationship.  To this he says, “I’m a catch”.  Wow.  Really guy.  Ok, Larry is cute, but I had to understand what he really meant. Tell me more I said, he says, “in L.a. 90% of girls would want to date me and they aren’t bringing anything to the table, so I don’t really feel the need to pick”.  I was floored.  Clearly I’m in the 10%, but that’s irrelevant, he plans to spend time exploring the 90% before landing on one.  Additionally, he didn’t seem to care that I was in the 10%.   Needless to say this Larry is history.  And if you are asking what he defines as his being a catch, he means, “cute and I manage up and coming artists”….OH OK. That’s what the “big catch” looks like these days.  Got it!

Get Outta My ‘Hood Dude!

If there is one thing that annoys me most - it’s invasion of space. I don’t like guys that leach on to me. I don’t like guys that are possessive. I don’t like guys that lift their leg and piss on me like a piece of their property. So, when I see my ex boyfriend lurking around my neighborhood at all my frequent stops, I am going to become a bit agitated.

While I was out with my ladies at a little neighborhood shin-dig on Friday, I see Hood Rat Larry passing by walking his dog. Seriously? You live 3 miles away in Los Angeles ( = 15 minutes at least with traffic). You have to come to my side of town to walk your effing dog?!

Hood Rat Larry invades my dog park. He invades my hiking trails. He invades my coffee shop. And NOW, he is invading my hair stylist. Come to find out, he has been hitting on my long-time hairstylist - showing up to the salon and asking her out. She knows the history and kindly refuses. She is one tough bitch that will knock that boy down a flight of stairs. Her co-worker is a bit “googly eyes" for him, but other than that, this guy has become the ‘Hood Rat of the salon as well as the quaint neighborhood.

Taking notice of me at the shin-dig, as he stood waiting for his dog to mark the tree, I walked away. I spent two long years with this fool and he is just someone I used to know. I have no desire to stay in touch. He refuses to accept it and sends me emails randomly to either explode (he hates that we aren’t friends) or to apologize (for exploding - because we will never be friends).

Guys - When a girl says “Stay Away” - seriously - STAY AWAY. It’s not sexy being a ‘Hood Rat Larry.

Ladies - When you say “Stay Away” - MEAN IT - don’t try and pull shenanigans because then ladies like me get stuck with these morons thinking I just want them to chase me.

Larry Loves the Tatas, Save the Tatas for You & Him

We all know that Larry is either a breast man or a butt man.  And in all honesty, Breast Man Larry probably appreciates our Tatas more than we do.  

In honor of breast cancer 

awareness month the ladies of L.A.I.D. have partnered with Save the TaTas Foundation and would like to salute all the Breast Man Larry’s out there, helping us perform at-home breast exams – detecting cancer one lump at a time.   

We don’t know why Breast Man Larry is so obsessed, 
(Verify), but we do know that he is one of our strongest allies in our fight against breast cancer.  Partnered with Breast Man Larry we can do this.  We have compiled a list of ways Breast Man Larry can show his devotion to the Tatas and join us in the fight to save two of our favorite things.



Ways Breast Man Larry Can Help Save the Tatas: 

• Have a swinger’s party. Each man performs a breast exam so the lump is not missed.
•  Invest in a long sleeve Tatas shirt to keep those beauties a secret from fellow Larry’s.  
• Invest in Cross Your Heart and Cross Your Heart again bra.  Make it a game for Larry to unleash. 
• Booblube lotion - just for fun
• Help your lady put on the Save the TaTas hoodie you purchased for her - just because it's adorable
• Spread the word to other Larry’s afraid to come forward by wearing your Save the Tatas T-Shirt and show the world know you are a proud Breast Man 

About Save the ta-tas

Ta-tas® Brand savethetatas.com commits 5% of every sale to the Save the ta-tas® Foundation. This includes any product sold on savethetatas.com at any of our authorized retailers and all of our licensed goods.   Please visit http://www.savethetatas.com/ to make a purchase and donate.  

Don’t forget to share this post with all the Breast Man Larry’s out there!


P.S. we are doing a GIVEAWAY!
 Follow us on twitter, share/drop us an email at mailto:laindistress@gmail.com  or leave a comment for a chance to win this Save the Tatas Tank!

WIN This Signature SAVE The Tatas Tank

Bowling Balls, Domesticated Oldie and a Mute Hooker

What do bowling balls, a domesticated oldie and mute hooker all have in common? A date from hell with yours truly!

I went on a friendly date with a guy that had great potential. He was funny, charming, good looking and athletic. We make plans to go bowling in the valley and the battle of the bowling pros began. I hate to lose, so I pulled out all the tricks to make sure he wouldn’t beat me - and I won.

Bowling Balls Larry and I decided to hit Casa Vega for some appetizers and margaritas as I rubbed my winnings in his face. We were sat next to (practically at the same table) an odd looking couple. A beautiful blond, fake tits, great body and quiet. Her date - Old, old, old retired Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that could literally talk you to death. The blond stepped outside for a ciggy just seconds from us sitting down. My date excuses himself to use the restroom, leaving me with with the creepy old guy.

The creeper looked at me and asked if my date was my “boyfriend.” I said “no, not yet.” He proceeded to ask more questions about my date and thinking he was a bit intrusive, I stuck to short, uninteresting answers. Bowling Balls Larry comes back and sits down and engages in the awkward conversation. The old man begins to tell us that he’s married and a retired plastic surgeon. He said he’s on a date with a mute hooker that he met the night before (or early morning, rather) at iHop in Hollywood. “What is this old man doing out at 3 a.m. on a weeknight?” I thought. He shows us text messages from his wife threatening to leave him if he’s on a date with yet, another, hooker. He just laughed it off and says he tells his wife everything and that their open relationship is what has kept them together for all these years.

The mute hooker comes back to the table. I’m pretty sure she was cultivating another client out on the smoking patio, but she’s got to get that hustle in, so I don’t blame her. Bowling Balls Larry and I start chatting and in the corner of our eyes, we see notes being passed back and forth between the two. We couldn’t help but crack a few giggles, but then she attempts to talk and the old man who just starts laughing, says “stick to the paper honey, stick to the paper.

The old man interrupts our conversation and starts talking about his involvement in the National Rifle Association (NRA) and how he doesn’t trust anyone that doesn’t own a gun. The mute hooker starts making fun of him for talking so much - as if she heard every word. She motions that she is going to go smoke and Bowling Balls Larry says that he will join her. Whaaaaaaat!? Since when do you puff on the cancer stick!!??

I’m stuck talking NRA with the old man and out of the blue, he starts talking shit to a group of girls celebrating a birthday in the corner. It was highly inappropriate as he was calling one girl “a dog” and it got very awkward. The walking cancer sticks come back from their break and I excuse myself to the restroom to escape the soon-to-be-flying cocktails from across the dining area.

Eager to leave, I take a deep breath in the mirror before returning to the table, only to find that the mute hooker is now flashing her fake tits to Bowling Balls Larry, old man and the rest of the bar area of Casa Vega. Everyone else is amused, but I was in the most classless date from hell.

Enough was enough. I kindly wished them well and excused myself. Bowling Balls Larry dropped cash on the table and tried to follow me out. I told him he has better chances sticking around his new friends because THIS girl can talk, hear and keep my clothes on.

Stay classy, ladies!

xo magnum magnet

How do you know when you’ve landed on the right pair? Seriously.

Everyone always asks the question, how do you know when you’ve found the one? Of all the different answers, none have given me much to work with. So seriously, how the heck do you know? Can someone give me a response that is more profound than, you just do, because I’ve thought I’ve met the one, 10 times already, only to discover it was merely a false alarm at the wee hour of the morning, the time I’m getting in my best sleep.  I suppose I’ve mastered the art of meeting guys that I would like to be the one.  Maybe I need to start treating guys like a pair of shoes, I would know it when I saw it, yet I would know that it would take more than a couple wears to really prove if it was more than love at first sight. Maybe we’ve got the concept of finding the “one” wrong , maybe we should really say, how do you know when you found a really good pair. And start looking for that other pair, vs. the one, which is singular and could really be one-sided.   There’s nothing worst that finding a shoe you love only to find out the store has misplaced the other pair in your size. Damn it. I love shoes and I have many, but if I had to pick “the one” pair that I would want to own forever, not sure I could swing it.   How does one land on classic pair that won’t be a passing fad?  Do i want one slightly used and comfy or brand new that i'd have to break in. What would you want?

Roster Update:

Last week I mentioned I was looking to explore Larry Korean and Larry Sweetness as well as Larry Latest. Well, this just in, it turns out Korean Larry just wanted to have sex.  WTF? To get you up to speed, Korean Larry has been courting me for 6 months, I finally give him the time of day, and he let’s me know via phone, that due to the fact he could not risk jeopardizing his client business relationship with our mutual friend, sex and fun, was all he could offer? Are you kidding me? When the heck did guys famous for small penis’s start thinking they were hot shit. And who says that, only in L.A. I tell ya. I told him to go blow himself.

On the Larry Sweetness front, we are hanging by a thin thread.  It’s been two months and still no action in the bedroom, sweet and getting on do not blend. Larry Sweetness has indicated to me he is not giving up tough.   

When I wrote the post last week about Larry Latest, I had no idea that he was indeed on the horizon, I was just putting it out into the universe, in hopes.  Well, guess what?  The Universe responded and a trip to a favorite Santa Monica hang out on the weekend revealed Larry Latest, aka Music Industry Larry.  Standing in a corner near the DJ in his own world,   stood the hottest German Adonis waiting to claim the title of Larry Latest. Blue eyes, 6’1, dark hair, with quarter back arms and the swagger of a black man (I’m not making this up), I knew I had to meet him.  I position myself in direct line of sight.   An hour goes by, no progress, unless you count occasionally making eye contact every 10 mins.  Lame.  Finally, I give up on the power of suggestion and turn my attention to speak to the guy that just walked up to order a drink at the bar next to me.   The heavens smiled on me it seems, as it turns out he was friends with Larry Latest. I convinced his friend that Larry Latest needed to meet me and he made it happen.  The conversation was great and we went on what turned into a 10 hour date the next day. Hmm, this is my second marathon date in a month (see blog post, JZ, Way to a girls heart).  Minus the fact he is a little self-absorbed, this Larry is not bad so far.  I’m cautiously optimistic for future dates.  Not calling him the one, however, I wouldn’t mind ending up with a pair that looked like him for my permanent shoe collection.

Daily Lay:  

• A guy will really pursue you for six months just to screw – absurd
• Still  have yet to meet a hot guy that wasn’t self absorbed
• The idea of looking for “the other pair”  is likely more telling than looking for “the one”

Monica Santa

Sake Bombs, Booty Calls and a Side of One-Night Stands. Where Does Online Dating Fit in?

The truth is, the reason why I don't write about my dating life in LA as a single girl--even though that's what this blog says it's all about--is because I tend towards 1, 2, 3-year long booty calls with a side of one-night stands instead. I just find dating, furthermore online dating, such a waste my precious time when the chemistry just might not be there at the end of the night. I personally would rather be out on a Saturday night partying it up with my favorite friends (Magnum Magnet, The Juggler and Monica Santa, of course!) and encounter an occasional, exciting one-night stand or later in the night catch up with one of the usual later-alligators on standby, than to waste my time on a boring, awkward date.

But what happened the other night? I was out eating sushi--which also means I was doing sake bombs--and all the sudden, my friend recommends that I try online dating - OKCupid to be specific. So what's a drunk girl, three Sapporos and two baby carafes of hot sake deep, to do? I totally went against all my values, because my inhibitions were down, and I downloaded the free app onto my iPhone and let my friend fill in my profile.

Needless to say, I've received tons of messages. Hahaha. Please - bear with me while I lie to myself. (It's been closer to a dozen.)

The guy who messaged me this morning said "You sound interesting. I'd love to talk to you more." Is that code for "he wants my silly (guy) friend's number" for making it all happen in the first place with the nonsense written on my profile? One will never know.

The adventures of online dating may be just around the corner for me. Speaking of which, I've go to log in now and check the inventory now.

Tata,
Honey Badger

No Geriatrics for this Cougar

I had been dating Golfer Larry for almost 3 months and I enjoyed the time we spent together. It was always my call as to where and what we would be doing and he would simply execute it. I love that! OK, so call me a little control freak. Golfer Larry was quickly earning stars in my book. He did not have the hot bod, the “face” and sometimes the conversations were ho-hum, but he made up for it by being attentive, sincere and just all around a nice guy. A nice and sincere guy in L.A.? Is this a dream? I introduced him to my girlfriends and even invited him to some family events (this is huge) and they all loved him!

But something was amiss, not once did I ever meet his friends. I asked him about this and his answers were:

“I’m a private guy.”
“ I like our alone time.”
“ I enjoy hanging out with your friends.”

“Excuse me??? We’ve only been dating almost 3 months. I would like to meet some of your friends.” Is he a serial dater/player, convict, hermit? What was wrong with him? With some hesitation, he agreed and took me to one of his golf tournaments. The Gods must have been smiling upon me as his tournament just happened to be at Pebble Beach.

We arrived late in the afternoon, checked in at the Lodge and thought we were going to have dinner with some his friends, but that was not the case. He wanted to have a romantic dinner in town and go to bed early as he had to be on the course by 7am.

After his game, I met up with him at the Lounge for cocktails. Finally I get to meet some of his friends. I walked over to the bar where Golfer Larry was and noticed that 3 of the men he was with were a little “mature”. Introductions were made, small talk and drinking resumed.

One of the men asked if we were going to join the group for dinner. Again with some hesitation he said yes.  He told me that this group were his core friends and that they were a little older.  No problem. Great, can’t wait!

We arrived at the restaurant and head over to the tables his buddies and their wives were seated.  A little older? I felt like I was in the Geriatric Ward at Pebble Beach. Are you kidding? All 10 couples were in their 70’s. The youngest being 71 yrs. Was this the reason why I haven’t met any of his friends?

Needless to say, my conversations with his friends were kept to a minimum. I don’t play or speak golf and dinner was not fun (yawn). I was even asked by one of the wives if I was his niece. Perfect!!

Golfer Larry prefers to keep company with older people. I’m cool with that for him. He is a “nice” guy but I like to surround myself with a younger and livelier crowd so that I don’t have to worry about rushing them to the emergency room if the excitement meter rises above lukewarm.


L.A.I.D Lesson: Meet the friends sooner than later!


xxoo- The Juggler

Trying to get a guy in Los Angeles, choose wisely

Some time ago, I attended a party in the Hollywood Hills.  I took a cab because in the hills, unless you want to park your car vertically, you’d better leave it. Upon arrival, I noticed another cab in front of us.  As the door of the first cab swung open, not two, not three, but four, tall handsomes stepped out, jeans and a collard shirt, ready to be casted in my next scene.

My friend Hills Larry greeted me, Crème suit; yes, suit and matching Converse.  This is how the young, up and coming, soon to be rich, L.A. guys did it.  They wore suits and lived their future status now by splitting someone's mortgage to project the "kind of a big deal" image .

I made my way to the outdoor patio on the third story overlooking the city and couldn’t’ help but smile as I looked around at all the “potentials”.   After surveying the crowd, I made my way to where the action was, Beer Pong.  I zeroed in on two targets, Scott and Matt, two of the hottest there and current beer pong champs.   Scott, your typical (in L.A. anyway) great body, smart, funny, cute blond.  Matt, his also funny, hot but not too hot, side kick , aka the nicer Larry was standing next to him.  Why is it nice guy and asshole guy are always paired up?  As I stood enjoying the festivities, guy whose name is irrelevant, walks up to introduce himself.  Hi, I’m Mr. wearing a scarf and a short sleeve black shirt and look strangely European.  Well, that’s not what he said, but that’s what I interpreted. Scarf continued to make small talk, as I looked for my escape route to Scott and/or Matt and considered which of the two I wanted. I decided, cute but not too cute was the way to go as I had been burned before with the hot guys; non-committal and impossible to keep.

After much eye play on my part and sensing Matt’s apparent interest, I took the lead and went over to Matt to engage him in conversation.  What’s your name, you look familiar?  Works every time, lame or not.  “It’s snakes eyes,” Matt says with a knowing grin.

Several drinks later, the thousand dollar booze and mixer supply was dwindling and as I stood in the kitchen uncertain what to get,  I hear a voice say,  “guess we are all out of vodka, so can’t make you a drink, but maybe you’ll make me take you out for drinks sometime”, it was Scott. Huh. Not a bad line, I must admit, but… Pause.  I had already decided I wasn’t going for him and would take-up his “nicer” friend instead.  The universe was testing me, and i knew it, but how could i not reward that line and smile.  I crumbled, and gave hot guy Scott my number, even though Matt already had it. Fail.

I somehow managed to escape with Matt undetected and the next day we woke up fully clothe in his bed.   Even though we didn’t have sex, the morning goodbye was still weird. He said,  “thanks again for letting me crash, you’re sweet.”  You’re are sweet, is that code for I thought we were going to have sex? LOL.  Or was it, I know my friend has your number?  In the end, it was a disaster, I ended up confessing I had given them both my number and gave up on salvaging either. I suppose trying to pick between two of the hottest guys isn't a wise choice at a party.   In the future, lesson learned. I suggest doing more recon onsite before making any selections and definitely avoid zeroing in on the two hot guy friends.

Monica Santa

Ding! Ding! – Time to Walk Away

Over the weekend, I had a realization about Commitment-Phobe Larry. This is a man who has been a straggler in and out of my life for almost four long years and has dreams of making it big. He has put his career in the driver seat and everyone else in the u-haul trailer - towed behind his speeding Masserati.

Because I am not a believer in putting all my eggs in one basket, I’ve dated spontaneously with others, but always made sure to stay in touch with Larry. He has always had a special place in my heart… and bed. He is a successful nomad that is in 10 different cities during the week and has always called me when he’s back in L.A. He recently moved back to the city of dreams to pursue is long anticipated return to the entertainment world. He has no balance in his life and openly admits it. I’ve asked the question of him on a couple occasions:  “Where do I fit amongst all this craziness?” He spewed nonsense and unfulfilled promises, so I kept doing what I was doing – dated other people.

Last time I saw Larry was two months ago after he had dropped me off at the airport and I had revealed my deepest darkest secret – I wanted to be monogamous! GASP!!!! WHAT?! Who am I!?

I returned home from my trip a week later… had a few casual chats with Larry…two months had gone by with no interaction with him. I then received a call from Commitment Phobe Larry this past Friday asking to come by my place – which I allowed. Realizing that he had been out drinking (heavily) earlier with his buds, he was not the witty man I enjoyed being around. He asked me if I had been dating other guys and as honest as I am, said “yes.” He lost it. I have never seen Larry get so emotional, angry and disrespectful in all my day of knowing this man.  Trying to justify my needs and expose his faults, it was not going anywhere. He had no intentions of listening to me and stormed away.

Upset? Absolutely. Sticking around? Absolutely not. I read an article today that I quote:

“Everyone comes into our lives to teach us a lesson, and to help us rise above our self-defeating patterns, which we play over and over again. One of my most outstanding self-defeating patterns is the urge to fix everything for everybody.”

The past four years, I have tried to fix this man’s insecurities, trust issues and capture a disabled heart. I had already told Larry that we are done, based on my natural instincts, but found myself questioning if it was the “right thing to do.” The article then finished by saying:

“Finally I'm learning that people want to be empowered, not dependent on me for help.”

I am sticking to my guns and realized this was definitely the “times-up” bell ringing in my head. It’s time to walk away and empower him to find a balance in love, work and rock n’ roll.

6 Months of Pining and All I Got Was a Pine Cone

Unavailable Larry that I have been pining for since I met him 6 months ago finally became available and invited me up for short "romantic" jaunt to the magical Lake Tahoe. I could hardly contain my excitement and of course I said YES!

As a gentleman should, he purchased my ticket and was at my doorstep at 6 a.m. and we headed off to LAX to catch the 8:30 a.m. flight to Reno. I loved how Unavailable Larry traveled — VIP all the way. This was exactly how I pictured it. While sipping my hot coffee and eating a croissant in the VIP Lounge, he told me he had some business to attend to in Reno and it would be about 2.5 hours as he wanted to finish all his meetings so we could have the rest of the day and the next day to play. That's not too bad, I could live with that.

Tick, tock, tick, tock... 3.5 hours later and no phone call regarding the delay. I am pissed off. With my iPhone in hand (thank you Steve Jobs), I was about to call a girlfriend and but finally received a call from Larry asking where I was. Seriously? Waiting for you as usual!!!!

I shook off my anger, because shit happens sometimes. It began to snow as we headed off to the lake and the beauty of nature started to put me in a better mood. As we settled into our  hotel room, I began to unpack the cute outfits I brought. So did he.... lap top, iPad, 2 phones, chargers, business folders and mail. Not good. I pointed this out to him and his answer was, "Honey, this is what I do for a living. I need to be on top of the market."

Now I understand why he was and will always be Unavailable Larry. Did he take me up to Tahoe so I could see what his days are like? And that he wasn't making up stories when he told me it's business that keeps him unavailable? Great!!! So I am stuck for 2 days in this magical place of mountain, lake, snow, pine trees — and business headquarters set up in room 935.

Turn off! A romance went down the drain. I suddenly became "unavailable" and finally saw what was around me without the rose colored glasses: mountains, lake, fresh fallen snow, pine cones, spa, facials, massages and a little shopping. It's a business trip and these expenses can be written off.

xxoo - The Juggler

When in Spain...it's not always smart to do the Spaniard

I would like to take a moment to reflect on a trip that happened last summer. It's just too funny not to tell even one year and a season later. Even though it's at my expense, here goes:

I went with my friend to Barcelona to meet her boyfriend and his friend. Lo and behold, we get there and the friend is HOT! He was also Spanish. When in Spain....do a Spaniard right? RIGHT! I had a blast getting to know Spain (wink, wink) inside and out for a week.

On our last night together in Spain we partied up until 6 a.m. in the clubs getting our dance and drink on before retreating to the hotel. After a few short hours of sleep, the clock struck Noon and Spanish Larry awoke, jumped out of bed and ran to the shower and dramatically mentioned he was gonna be late for the airport.

While he showered, I rolled over in bed to gets some more zzzzzzzzzzzz's only to land in the biggest, wettest spot on the bed I have ever encountered. Surely that was too much to be semen and it was too soaked to be sweat. Then it occured to me. The Spaniard who I had been fucking for an entire week had pissed the bed and now I was laying in it. Fucking gross!

Needless to say, he tore out of the hotel room never to be heard from again. Fortunately, my friend went her separate way with that boyfriend so I'll never have to encounter, share a bed or lay in Spanish Larry's AKA pisser boy's urine ever again.

Truly ashamed, 
Honey Badger

“F” Settling

So lately I keep meeting what feels like the same Larry.  They look different, they sound different but at the end of the day, the end results remain constant, Larry doesn’t move me, he is not the Larry I want.   Could it be I am experiencing “dating fatigue”?  Maybe my receptors have had to process so many different Larry’s the system is now broken.   Is this even possible?  I think in this city there are so many options of Larry’s you can date, so many good looking options, it’s easy to lose sight of what you are into, what you truly want.  Maybe there is something to be said about making a short list of what you want and don’t want in a relationship.  But how do you put in a list “the feeling I haven’t had before”.  You can’t write that.  Instead you make a list of the qualities you can identify, which may or may not culminate into that “feeling”, that subconscious feeling that you can’t put into words.  And with the end of each Larry, you add something to the list you thought your list was missing, as if that would have made it work.  I think the list really just results in dating profiles, profiles of things you think you want, that in theory, should do it.  I don’t operate with a list, though I might need to reconsider creating a loose outline.  

As I approach fatigue, I wonder if this is around the same time women settle aka Trade Up to a Ford Larry.  I read on AskMen that there is a trend for women settling (lol, DuH, what trend, this has been going on for ever).  AskMen listed the Top 10 reasons of how men can know they are being settled for.  What a horrible list to make, this should “F” up a lot of relationships.  I’m sure some poor guy is out there right now coming to the realization that he has been living a lie.  One thing I found interesting about the list was that of all the things they had on the top 10, “she is way hotter than you”, wasn’t one of them.  I immediately flagged the list as rigged, as I can’t imagine how that would not be on there.  Is one to assume that we really want to hook up with a guy that has sub-par looks? LOL!  You can check out the list here.

 Fatigue or not, settling is for wimps, unless of course your eggs are rotting and you haven’t been on a date since the Titanic.  I’m not there, Korean Larry is back in a week and I’m getting on that.  Sticking it out with sweetness Larry (still no sex), and leaving the door open for latest Larry! “F” Settling!!!  Happily Married Settled is not an option.  I want my Lamborghini of Larry’s.

 Monica Santa

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Through the ups and downs of my last relationship with Mischievous Larry, I was fortunate to inherit a couple new best buds that I have remained close with post break-up. One of the lovely ladies is like a sister to him and has to split her time with he and I when she visits from San Francisco.

The first day in town, she stopped by Mischievous Larry’s house and notices photos around his place that made her question his obsession with me and wondered if he was truly over our split - even though he was the guilty culprit that ruined everything. They end up going out to lunch and all he talks about are all the various women he is dating at the moment, so she is a bit confused.

Later that evening, she met me for some drinks at a local watering hole and starts spilling all the juicy details of what she witnessed earlier in the day. She says “So, I was at Mischievous Larry’s house today and noticed he still has your picture all over his house.” I laughed it off and said “You know, you are not the first person to tell me that because apparently, his new girlfriend looks just like me.” Another friend of ours had just met the new girlfriend a couple days prior and said that her boyfriend gave her a hug thinking it was me. Awkward!

This coming from a man that has never dated a blond haired, blued eyed girl in his life. I tried to think of something clever like … “when you go blond...” but couldn’t think of one thing and just stuck to the usual “...you never go back.” I thought it was quiet peculiar for such an odd description, but when I actually saw her in person, I was insulted that anyone would say we looked anything alike. Not all blonds look the same people!!!

It most definitely begs the question... why do guys jump into relationships that fit the profile of your ex? Reggie Bush... care to answer?

My Yellow-Fever Fantasy

I did an Asian Larry and it's true. Sad but true.

I'm a big proponent of tasting the rainbow when you're young and single. Hell, I'd do it if I were old and single too. I once thought about sticking a map on my bedroom wall to catalogue all the men I've had sex with geographically. But honestly, my map wouldn't be that impressive. Maybe at a future time. 

On a whim one day, I figured I liked asian food so much and I fantasized what it might be like to have sex with an asian man. I also wondered how big their chopstick was. I identified a "friend" of mine who I had recently reconnected with over Facebook (where else?) and we immediately kicked it off over dinner and drinks. One things leads to another...we're back at my place.

I will happily admit, he did have huge muscles and a nice stomache, which isn't a characteristic you'd normally attribute to an asian guy. I basically ordered up the very best. But when it came to the size of Asian Larry's penis, it was practically time to break out the microscope and tweezers to find the damn thing even when erect! Needless to say, I believe the asian stereotype and don't need to test those waters again. 

And that was the end of my yellow fever fantasy--and an entire continent I can knock off of including on my desired sex map.

xo, Honey Badger