Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Bowling Balls, Domesticated Oldie and a Mute Hooker
I went on a friendly date with a guy that had great potential. He was funny, charming, good looking and athletic. We make plans to go bowling in the valley and the battle of the bowling pros began. I hate to lose, so I pulled out all the tricks to make sure he wouldn’t beat me - and I won.
Bowling Balls Larry and I decided to hit Casa Vega for some appetizers and margaritas as I rubbed my winnings in his face. We were sat next to (practically at the same table) an odd looking couple. A beautiful blond, fake tits, great body and quiet. Her date - Old, old, old retired Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that could literally talk you to death. The blond stepped outside for a ciggy just seconds from us sitting down. My date excuses himself to use the restroom, leaving me with with the creepy old guy.
The creeper looked at me and asked if my date was my “boyfriend.” I said “no, not yet.” He proceeded to ask more questions about my date and thinking he was a bit intrusive, I stuck to short, uninteresting answers. Bowling Balls Larry comes back and sits down and engages in the awkward conversation. The old man begins to tell us that he’s married and a retired plastic surgeon. He said he’s on a date with a mute hooker that he met the night before (or early morning, rather) at iHop in Hollywood. “What is this old man doing out at 3 a.m. on a weeknight?” I thought. He shows us text messages from his wife threatening to leave him if he’s on a date with yet, another, hooker. He just laughed it off and says he tells his wife everything and that their open relationship is what has kept them together for all these years.
The mute hooker comes back to the table. I’m pretty sure she was cultivating another client out on the smoking patio, but she’s got to get that hustle in, so I don’t blame her. Bowling Balls Larry and I start chatting and in the corner of our eyes, we see notes being passed back and forth between the two. We couldn’t help but crack a few giggles, but then she attempts to talk and the old man who just starts laughing, says “stick to the paper honey, stick to the paper.
The old man interrupts our conversation and starts talking about his involvement in the National Rifle Association (NRA) and how he doesn’t trust anyone that doesn’t own a gun. The mute hooker starts making fun of him for talking so much - as if she heard every word. She motions that she is going to go smoke and Bowling Balls Larry says that he will join her. Whaaaaaaat!? Since when do you puff on the cancer stick!!??
I’m stuck talking NRA with the old man and out of the blue, he starts talking shit to a group of girls celebrating a birthday in the corner. It was highly inappropriate as he was calling one girl “a dog” and it got very awkward. The walking cancer sticks come back from their break and I excuse myself to the restroom to escape the soon-to-be-flying cocktails from across the dining area.
Eager to leave, I take a deep breath in the mirror before returning to the table, only to find that the mute hooker is now flashing her fake tits to Bowling Balls Larry, old man and the rest of the bar area of Casa Vega. Everyone else is amused, but I was in the most classless date from hell.
Enough was enough. I kindly wished them well and excused myself. Bowling Balls Larry dropped cash on the table and tried to follow me out. I told him he has better chances sticking around his new friends because THIS girl can talk, hear and keep my clothes on.
Stay classy, ladies!
xo magnum magnet