My Silent-Night Cowboy

I’m a country girl at heart, so when the DJ plays my favorite Garth Brooks song, I hit the dance floor to shake my booty. Next thing I know, there is a guy in a black cowboy hat approaching me, holding out his hand to two step and I happily oblige. He was not a “looker” by any means, but Cowboy Larry had the moves down. He didn’t say anything... didn’t even ask my name. I said “Wow, you’re a great country dancer for living in LA,” and still, no response - just a nod - so mysterious! The song ends, I head back to my corner, he heads back to his. My friend and I sip our drinks as we watch four guys come our way - my dance partner being one of them.

The Cowboy Larry’s friend approaches me and says “Thank you so much for dancing with my friend, you’re a really cool girl for doing that.” I tilt my head a little to the right, confused look on my face (that I learned from my dog) and he gives me a blank look thinking “how do you not know!?!” He just comes out with it and says “My friend is deaf and mute, but he can read lips.”

Feeling like a total ass-hole for not putting two and two together, I lip-synced (in slow motion) to Cowboy Larry saying “ohhhhhhhh.... duh. Thank you for the dance.” The guy was nice, but as dreamy as it might be to date a guy that doesn’t talk - only knows what you say in front of his face, no loud arguments and a paper trail of promises... I just couldn’t take my head out of my ass. After a long dialogue of pick-up lines with the friend translating his sign language - I could only muffle the lie “he seems like a great guy, but I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend.”

To my surprise, that didn’t stop Cowboy Larry from pursuing me. After copping an attitude by my persistent denials, I started to get a bit annoyed as I figured he was clearly mistaking my kindness for weakness. He wasn’t moving from my side. So, instead of becoming confrontational, I walked up to the bar, grabbed the cutest man I could find and laid a wet kiss on his lips. I told him “You are my boyfriend for the night. Come with me.” As we walk back to the table, turns out - small fucking world - they know each other from high school. My new “boyfriend” looks at me with disgust because he clearly knew I was discriminating Cowboy Larry. At that awkward moment, wanting to bury myself in a hole, I dipped out the back door.

I knew this wasn’t just a coincidence, I was being punished. FML. How do you get out of something like this without being a complete bitch?!

xoxo Magnum Magnet