Tigers Like Chicken, Rice and Porn

I’ve been dating this guy for a couple months now and he has lived all over the world – Africa to Dubai, London to Paris, Miami to L.A – where he has been sticking it out for a few years now and “gets off” for the Hollywood scene like a tiger in heat – leaving him with the name “Tiger Larry.”

When we first met, he kept it classy by picking me up at a sports bar while he was entertaining a group of friends visiting from London. I was trying to have a relaxing time catching up with an old friend, but was interrupted by this buff beauty with a sexy gibberish accent. I couldn’t quite make out where this gnarly tiger was from, but he informed me that he spoke seven languages and I was immediately impressed.  So, of course I start quizzing him - like I would actually know - what “I would like another beer” meant in all those other dialects, so in my mind, he nailed it just for the sake of being a sport and I agreed to see him again.

Tiger Larry takes me out to dinner a couple days later and we seemed to have hit it off because his ignorance, partnered with a shit accent, makes me laugh.  We go to a Nigerian favorite and he orders for the both of us – chicken and rice. After looking at the menu, there weren’t many options other than that, so I figured he probably knew best and went with it. We sit down and the man literally starts tearing apart the meat with his hands and eating like a savage. I lost my appetite because even when a splash of ketchup gets on my fingers while eating a big ‘ole Carl’s Jr. burger, I set the food down and never come back to it. I was mortified, but continued to watch him lick every single piece of rice off his plate and swore I would never see him again.

Well, I lied to myself, obviously. We go out a couple more times and I was finally curious enough to give in and give him the “goods.” Tiger Larry was very aggressive, which I like.

Tiger Larry would then turn for the worse and get very sentimental like he was nurturing his cub after sex. I would usually try and roll to my side to pass out, but he kept effing talking! After trying to ignore all the bullshit, he finally said “babe, you have a body of a porn star.” I perked up curiously and asked “oh yeah? Is that good or bad?!” and he responds, “Well, if you just cut out most of the foods YOU eat and just stick to chicken and rice, you would have a body of a model, but I do love porn stars.” Confused – I roll back over and think to myself “I’ve never aspired to be a model… or a porn star…nor do I really like chicken and rice… and if I watch him eat chicken and rice the rest of my life, I would be anorexic…eff my life.”

I soon learned that Tiger Larry was just too busy trying to change me. I was not a fan of his eating habits, nor was he a fan of mine. I’m happy with my body and weight (most of the time) and I love eating the shit food I eat - just because I can. No man will come between me and my Totino Pizza Pockets!!! – EVER!!


Love - Magnum Magnet