Fireman’s Hose Shrinks to Baby Carrot at Midnight

I am the kind of girl that is always looking for an adventure, so when a friend invites me to her family’s home in a city I have never been, I was up for it!

This place was bachelor party central! These men gravitate to women like flies on shit. And go figure – the majority of them were from L.A. As soon as four women walked into the building of raging hormones and testosterone, the survival of the fittest had begun!

After a few passes at some hot mess of cock, the heavens above sent me the greatest gift of all… a fireman from L.A. OOO-WEEE! I was about to live out my long-anticipated wet dream and in a town off in the distant land where I may never see him again and that would be just fine. He was cute, he was a fireman. Cute + fireman = fantasy.

We had a quick public make out session, which I am learning is not out of character for me. I once believed it was, but contrary to recent events, I am a make-out whore. Fireman Larry and I hit it off and we were madly in love. He kept asking to go to his room and I happily declined, until the fire in my vagina was in the heat of the moment and finally said, “I don’t know why I’m denying myself – let’s go hose this fire down.” With friends nowhere in sight, thinking they left me in the dust, we made a mad dash to his hotel room.

As we walk down the excruciating long hallway, I’m texting my friends “Where the fuck are you bitches?” Fireman Larry was taking off his clothes like he was in his own wild fire. He was shuffling around with a Costco sized box of condoms and at a glance, I asked “Jesus… is this a community box??” and continued on my “Where the eff are you?!?” text messages. Thirty seconds later, I look up (fully clothed) and there is a major disappointment in front of my eyes. Fireman Larry is literally stroking his baby carrot sized penis, condom on, with his index finger and thumb. In pure fright, my eyes lit up and instantly yelled “I’m so sorry, I’ve got to go. I’m so sorry. Call me tomorrow (knowing he didn’t have my phone number), just call me tomorrow and we’ll meet up. I’m sorry…. BYYYYYYYE!” and ran down the hallway – while texting my friend “OMG, OMG, OMG! You won’t believe what I just did!!!!”

Being there are only three bars in this town, I knew that the chances of running into the NOW “Baby Carrot Larry” were very high, but I didn’t expect to see him right in front of the doorway of the first bar we walk into! Of course, I make a scene; try to turn around – my friends laughing – only to be given the look of death by this man.

I hold no sympathy for what this man put me though. I would not have done anything different – besides slap him for wasting my time! He needs to keep that little guy under wraps until he meets a virgin waiting until marriage. Definitely a lessoned learned…. It is okay to bail on a man that does not meet your Magnum Magnet condom size requirements. Even in distress, make no exceptions and don’t disregard your standards!

Love - Magnum Magnet