Holding out the pussy vs. the won't tap out dude

Ok, so there are countless people that would say, you want a good guy to commit to you, or if you want to make sure a guy is in it for the right reasons, you wait for sex. The time period for waiting varies, some people say, just not on the first date, (these people might as well fuck in the bathroom of the location they met) others like Steeve Harvey say, 90 days, some say a month. In essence the concept of time elapsing,is suppose to somehow translate into "meaning and bond forming". The contradictory argument on the time frames, basically means, no body fucking knows, and everyone is just dealing out what they "feel" is right. The problem with these strategies, is they imply that someone willing to put in "time/effort" is someone that is truly interested. FALSE. This strategy doesn't work on the modern day, ego-centric, patient as a mother fucker dude, that just wants to hit to remind himself, "ya, i'm the shit". I've heard of dudes that have had girls on their "to do" list, literally, forever. Most recently, i had the experience first hand of a guy that played the game for a year and a half. I repeat, dude was patient for a year and a half. WTF. With dudes like this out there, time is not a factor. If a guy is willing to hold out for a year a half just to fuck, it is apparent that this holding out the pussy theory is deeply flawed and doesn't apply to certain type of men. Before engaging in the hold out the pussy rule, one must first assess the type of guy, because if you are dealing with this crazy ape, who is running around with his bone saying "must get Jane pussy" and stomping his feet, the rules of engagement don't matter. This guy happily waits, his self esteem depends on it. If you think you are with one of these guys, the mr. "ill wait forever to fuck, baby"...dump the loser now or have a conversation about what you want, this guy will not TAP out. Persevere is all this guy knows, someone taught him, never quit and he thinks it applies to pussy too - OMG - it's a strange world out there, approach with caution.

Ladies, please stop Fucking!

Ladies, please close your legs, the state of the nation depends on it. Read somewhere recently that, overall, men have the least amount of ambition they ever had, why? Because women are giving it up too freely. See, in the old days, men used to strive toward power and success because that was the only way to TAP grade A ass. It's that simple. Today, a lot of grade A ass is readily available to the homeless dude kicking it on the corner. I cannot do it on my own. Ladies get your horny under control. If you don't want to be the bread winner, the nanny, the maid, and everything else, you have got to stop giving up that ass for a McDonald's Happy Meal.

Are you sure you are not crazy?

So I haven't written i am while but trust me, it's not because the men have gotten better. It's because the situation is even more dire. Where to start. Since the last time i wrote, the latest was green shoes. I am happy to say i successfully transitioned green shoes to a friendship title, one in which he wore proudly, for a month, until I was forced to relieve him of those duties as well. What for? Well, during our "friendship stage" we attended the movies and i made the mistake of allowing him to purchase the tickets. Upon inspection, i realized he purchased senior citizen tickets. I asked, was this intentional? His reply,"yes, i do it all the time." Wtf. Who purchases senior citizen tickets just because. Ok, my friend, you are no longer qualified to be a friend because of the sheer stupidity that your life dips in and out of. This was the last straw. I sent a text explaining we were simply never going to understand each other, the end. In more recent news, i recently encountered my first bi-polar catch. OKCupid strikes again. I am beginning to think all the men that date online have serious mental issues. This time, i met a European who accused me of being a scam artist within 3 days of knowing him, claiming he heard voices on the line when he spoke to me. Slow down cowboy, did you say you heard voices and i'm a scam artist. Bi-polar Larry ran me through a battery of questions including, asking which organization i worked for and what gang was i affiliated with. Never in my life have i experienced such crazy, wish i could tell you i ran for the hills, but no, i waited for his drugs to kick back in and he was back to normal within 24hrs. A week goes by and i am once again being asked "who do you work for". I died laughing. The whole thing was quite funny to me and a source of entertainment really. Side bar, i later learned this Larry is in anger management and suffered a self inflicted concussion a couple months before i met him - wow. Third up, is he gay or straight Larry. This guy i've known for some while and he finally decided to ask me out on real date. We went to a basketball game. While there, he receives a weird text from someone saying "i'm coming to get my dog." I inquired what was going on, and apparently, a "friend", gave him a dog and was now requesting it be returned a week later. Larry was not happy with this and did not want to give up the dog. He ignored the text and after the game we go to grab drinks. While there, he receives a phone call stating that some woman was banging on his door and screaming "dog thief, i want my dog." Insane, right? We head back to his place to find some infuriated chick in the lobby ready to swing at him. Larry ignores her and tells her she should leave. As i followed him to his place upstairs, i wondered how on earth and why i kept getting in these crazy situations. Once inside, i convince Larry that dog was like a blood diamond and it would be bad karma to keep it, no matter how attached. He gives back the dog and we return to his place. It was at this point i saw Larry's softer side, within 10 mins of being back inside, i see tears rolling down his eyes. Real tears, tears over a dog he had owned for 1 week. Call me insensitive, but i found this "a bit much". After wiping his tears, Larry proceeded to try to mount me, i said, sorry, you are in mourning over a dog and we barely know each other, this is so not happening. At this point, there was nothing left to do but get the heck out of there. All the men mentioned above are over the age of 30 and claim to be of sound mind. ONLY in L.A. That said, i'm dating under 30 moving forward.

Lime Green PUMA's Won't Get You L.A.I.D.

Most recently, i completely restructured the team and inadvertently added a "wierdo"...? Let me explain. I met Green Shoes Larry on OKC, and we hit it off in the virtual world and so decided to meet. I arranged for a meet and greet by scheduling him between the gym. A word to the other online daters, always establish an end time when meeting someone for the first time. I arrived 15 minutes late to this meeting, which left me with 45 mins to "meet and greet" aka assess if this will be worth a real date. I always get anxiety before these things, will their head be bigger than i thought, will he be shorter (guys always lie about height), will they look anything like the awesome profile photo. Green Shoes in the flaterring lighting of the bar we met at,lived up to the my expectations and more. This was going well. Push forward 5 dates in and we have our first "day time date". This was when i start to realize all the things that had previously gone masked by jackets and dark lights. First, did he secretly have a belly that lay tucked away behind the leather jacket worn on all previous dates? Second, he expressed he couldn't focus and really talk to me while driving. Third, his tennis shoes were a rather dusty brown, and quite tattered, is this the look? I had noticed the tennis shoes before, but it was not until the daylight i had to question, so i said, "are those your favorite pair of shoes?". He said, "why, yes". I said, "they are over, don't you think it's time for a new pair?". At this point he told me he had been meaning to replace them. Phew. I thought. The very next day i receive a text from him saying, "cute?, with a photo of lime green PUMA's". WTF. Lime green puma's are to now be your everyday shoes. I tried to hold back. The next time we went out, he wore them, my thoughts, you aren't famous enough, wait, you are not famous, so no way can you be rocking lime green shoes just "cuz". This is when it dawned on me, OMG. I could be dating a wierdo. Ever had that moment? I ended up breaking it off with him, for lack of wanting to be dating "The Joker" and also because he kissed like a snake, in/out/in/out...LOL...word to the wise, notice the signs and don't be afraid to realize when you just might be with a wierdo and keep it moving.

What do you do with a guy if you aren’t having sex?

Everyone has heard the saying, “don’t sleep with a guy too early”. Many have said it doesn’t allow time for the relationship to build naturally and that the guy/girl could lose interest quickly. Really? Because, I actually think humans are naturally designed to take each other’s clothes off? Nonetheless, under the influence of this popular notion, I have assumed a life of celibacy where I am not ‘giving it up’ to anyone. Now, I find myself in the dilemma of… NOW WHAT. I have been dating 3 guys simultaneously, one I’ve known for 8 months, another roughly 6 months and the latest, about 3 months. 3 hot guys and zero amount of fucking going on. Tragic.

As I navigate through this theory, in hopes it will lead me to the one, I am struggling with understanding the point of it all and find that I’m actually losing interest and growing sick of looking at hot bodies and not being able to take advantage. I ask myself, what am I waiting for? Does a romantic gesture do the trick, does a drunken night break the fast, a surprise encounter, flowers, how many more months before one of these guys “moves” me enough to warrant taking my clothes off. WHAT! So far, no one has done “anything to speak of”, hence, if we are rewarding purely on merit, I won’t be getting laid anytime soon. I feel a bit of connection to two of them, I like them, but no one has “done anything” to inspire dropping the panties. I can feel the guys rescinding too. Simply put. It’s boring.

Maybe it’s time to assemble a new squad, a squad that knows what to do to get into a girls panties. Sadly, these guys are clueless, they all want it, but don’t know how or are too lazy to do anything to get it. Welcome to L.A. dating, where dudes pull the “naked man”, and that’s the “charm”. For those unaware what that is, let me paint the scene; It’s when a guy gets into bed with you with a hard dick, for no reason, since u are fully clothe, in hopes that will “motivate” you to have sex. Is this a joke? Unless you are Ryan Gosling or somebody, that shit doesn’t work. Go work on a new strategy or get ready to have your balls experience all hues of blue, for a long time. I suppose I need to work on my “getting to know you” part of the relationship, though it’s resulting in not much fun since no signs of any sex in the near future. Now that I’m not having sex simply because I’m horny, I’m having no fun! UGH.

Sign, still horny

My R Kelly Dilemma

Last Friday I had a blast with my girls--minus the one who majorly violated girl code--but that's a whole other rant for a different day. We met up at one of our favorite bars in Hollywood to do our typical ... drink, eat and giggle the night away.

It must have been somewhere around midnight when I checked Facebook (upon fact checking through my sent phone messages it was actually 1:48 a.m.) and I noticed in my feed that it was a friend's birthday and he was out celebrating. I shot him a quick text message "happy birthday" and thought that would be the end of it. Well I was wrong.

He invited me over for a 1:1 after party and I thought to myself "What the hell? We've rolled around in the sheets many times before, I've been drinking and the only place that's going to serve free alcohol after 2 a.m. is at a single guy's house who wants to get in your pants for his birthday. Right?"

RIGHT!

The thing about Beverly Hills Larry is that sex is notable, but only every other time. I guess our jaunt last October makes up for the failure this time. But that's still not the story I'm getting at.

When I woke the next day in his condo to the sound of him using the toilet, then bathroom sink, then the shower for what seemed like forever, I was in great need of peeing out the many drinks I sucked down the night before. So I did what any grown woman who is half hungover and half still drunk would do. And that is not knock on the bathroom door or barge in.

Instead I went to the kitchen, grabbed a bowl out of the kitchen sink, pissed it in standing in the middle of the kitchen, spilled half on the floor, rinsed the dish, used a ton of napkins to clean up my dog-like mess, buried the napkins in the bottom of the trash--and I was still able to get dressed and ready to leave before he'd even exited the shower.

Happy birthday. I pissed on your floor. I'll be leaving now! Until next time ...

You’ve Been Pre-Warned, Forewarned and Post-Warned...I Told You So.

I don’t know what it is about the men I date, but turns out, some of my friends all want a chance to date them as well. At this point in my dating career, I just have to sit back and laugh because it has happened so many times now and all I can do is take it as a compliment that I tend to find and dispose of such highly regarded men.

This past New Years Eve was quite a blast, yet a total shit show. I drank heavily. Laughed a lot. Danced the night away and kissed several men at midnight... All ending with a promiscuous and explosive ending.

I had two ex boy toys in the room all the while my latest love interest was on my arm. For one of them, we are good friends, but he would take any chance he can get to get back into my pants. The other, aka - Stage 5 Clinger Larry is always in a hot pursuit. This time, however, he was not in hot pursuit of me.

Turns out, a friend of mine caught the eye of this clinger and he leached on. He was quite frazzled that I was there with another man and saw it as a great opportunity for “payback.” Little did he know, I just didn’t give a shit.

As the night was closing down, my friend apparently had a couple questions for me about Clinger Larry. I told her “Stay away from him! He’s a joke and total loser.” I don’t recall the dialogue very clearly but then I somewhat recall saying something to the nature of “Well, if you just want a one-night stand tonight, he is well hung.” How do I know this? HE told me since he was standing right next to ME hearing this entire conversation. Oopsy.

This whole dialogue was quickly forgotten until I received a text message from the other ex saying that the crazy guy my friend had met on NYE is coming out to visit her this weekend. I was confused and asked “what crazy guy and do I know him??” It all started to come together and I text Clinger Larry asking him “So you’re headed out of town this weekend huh?” He responded “I was wondering when you were going to ask about that... how’s your boyfriend?”

Just fine loser. Thanks for asking.

He proceeded to tell me how he had told my friend how much he cared about me and wanted to be my boyfriend, etc. etc., so basically banged her just to get a reaction out of me. Which he didn’t get because I was literally laughing my ass off. He thanked me for my ONE nice comment. I asked him what he as talking about and he just so happened to refresh my memory about the above conversation with my friend since he was there.

I started laughing and said "Wow. That's hilarious that she would still go home with you after I told her all of that." Clinger Larry's response was "No ... none of that is funny. You're an asshole for saying it in the first place!"

Well, little does he know, my friend is already dreading his visit because he texts her all day and night with random crazy texts. She just doesn't know how to disinvite his ass to come see her, so my only response to her ... "I told you so. Good luck with my sloppy seconds."